Happy Valentine’s Day, flock!
In my New Year post, I mentioned that I’d probably blog more about the cartoon sheep side of my life (because that is totally relatable).
Well, since it’s Valentine’s Day, why not kick this whole 2020 Sheep-posting thing off with everyone’s favorite thing to do ever: online dating!
Okay, I’m gonna level with you, flock…I haven’t dated anyone since I was in high school (I distinctly remember getting car sick in the back of a party bus while “Hold On, We’re Going Home” played). Like, how does dating work nowadays?
Apparently, apps. You’ve probably used something like Tinder or Bumble. But what if you’re a cartoon sheep? Limits apps a bit.
So I use Ani-Mated (the dumbest pun ever but what do you expect for a cartoon dating app?) It basically works like Tinder, and is just as awkward.
Here’s my profile:
So you have the option to either heart someone (right) or trash someone (left). Familiar, right?
Well, the cartoon dating pool’s a bit shallow around here, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t show you some of the best (worst) accounts I came across.
It wouldn’t be a dating app if there wasn’t a shirtless human-tank hybrid talking about how much he can lift. I think his bicep is the size of my entire body. Moving on…
Tim. Timberly. There is so much going on here. He’s wearing a Nashville shirt and has a Yeehaw tattoo? His profile is a Johnny Cash quote? Do you think he plays the guitar? I mean he’s probably actually a wonderful person (and he lives in Lewiston!) I hearted him, but we didn’t match (so I’ll never know if he’ll sing Freebird.)
I saw his face and I just knew he’d be from Amherst. I don’t know how. I just knew.
Listen, I love Amherst. Amherst is great. But this boy. This boy is too much. He’s indescribably pretty. He waxes poetic. Whoever he ends up with is probably going to be given a small white dog, three-dozen roses, and a new Hyundai Elantra.
At this point you’re probably asking “where are the other sheep? Aren’t there other sheep?”
Seriously. I was on this app for a while. No sheep. Not even a goat. Oh, but there were wolves. Boy were there wolves.
WHY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???
And before any of you go “well he’s a wolf, what do you expect?” or “you’re a sheep, of course you don’t like him,” let me show you another wolf.
Marco is also a wolf, but isn’t an absolute disappointment to society. Great profile. 10/10. Chill pic in some woods or something, and a decent pun. We actually matched and chatted for a while, but he ended up also matching with a doe and took that route (but he was so nice about it. You rock, Marco!)
Eventually, I gave up on the app. I really wasn’t finding anyone, and the whole thing just felt weird. I’m not anti-online dating: some of my best friends have found the loves of their lives online. I just don’t think it’s for me. I’m going to go the traditional route and meet a disgruntled businessman who returns to his hometown to participate in a baking contest.
So, you’re all my Valentines today, flock. Let me know in the comments if you liked any of the guys above (and if you’d date them). Better yet, if you have any wild dating stories. I’d love to hear them.