5 things I learned from my friend the Satanist


Okay, I have this friend. This friend that is a few years younger than me. A weird friend. A Satanist friend.

Mind you, I’m solidly Christian: raised Catholic and proud of it. Although I’ve had disputes with the Church (the “bury your ashes or burn in hell” letter of 2013 left a bad taste in my mouth), I’m the more religious of my friend group.

So how in the H. E. double hockey sticks did I end up with a Satanist for a friend?

1. It’s mainly sarcastic

According to my friend, who we’ll call Baphomet for obvious reasons, the specific brand of Satanism they believe in is more of a statement on religion.

Like me, Baph was raised Catholic, but had a falling out over the dogma of the Church. Baph considers themself  a LaVeyan Satanist. This is the original 1960s anti-religion group that doesn’t actually worship Satan. They’re basically atheists with a protest agenda. Speaking of 1960s…

2. It’s not all Black Metal and sadness

Don’t get me wrong: Baph can go on a rant about Norwegian Black Metal like there’s no tomorrow. Yet, they’re always sporting either a Grateful Dead or Bob Marley shirt. Could you imagine an angsty occultist jamming out to “No Woman No Cry”?

Baph’s music taste spans the gamut from Phish to Sublime. They even played some Al Green the other day. Definitely not what I expected from a Satanist.

3. They’re not all Goths

If there is a polar opposite of a Goth, Baph’s probably it. The vibe emanating off them is something like a sketchy college kid (because, yeah, they’re a sketchy college kid).

Seriously: Beats headphones (that they won in a contest), blue jeans and some band shirt. It’s America at its finest.

4. The nicest kid ever

Some people are freaked out by Baph. Don’t ask me why: they’re awesome. Seriously the nicest kid I’ve met in college. Do no evil kind of kid. Even when I constantly bash ’em for liking Phish (and do I bash ’em).

Baph’s always willing to hang. I keep Baph on speed dial as part of my “expansion pack” (people younger than me in college). It’s always a party, always goofy, and always fun.

5. It’s a defense mechanism

Real talk: Baph was bullied in school. So was I. Baph decided to play the role of the counterculture devil kid. I played the role of the crazy manic-pixie nightmare sheep. We’re not that different. Off the wall survives school. Nobody’s gonna mess with the crazy kid. You don’t make a lot of friends with this method, but eventually you break out of it.


It makes perfect sense that Baph and I would become best friends. We’re not actually that different. When things click, they click. I know my day got that much better when Baph knocks on the door. It’s party time.

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