The newest trend in fashion? Being horribly confused

Flock, the latest looks for spring are out at the Fashion Outlets, and I’m…confused.

Window shopping is so much fun, and the mannequin is always the ideal look for the season, but lately fashion has been…off.

One good point I can make is that the dreaded “Millennial Pink” appears to have been killed off. It’s still everywhere, but it’s clogging clearance racks.

So, what is hot right now? Let’s take a look.

Thin is in

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Sorry everyone ever: thin is back in. Now, this is a hotly debated issue about clothing. Anybody should be able to wear anything they want. Now, that doesn’t always mean it will look flattering. Even excluding Photoshop, models are still fairly unrealistic.

This doesn’t matter, though, as the newest trend is apparently making clothing for very tall, very thin women.

Actually, guys have been suffering from the same fate. Men’s suits have become increasingly narrower, to the point where the mannequin’s shoulders actually stretch the suit. We’re in a bad era, flock.

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Look at the dresses here. Knit, knit, and more knit. The dress in the back actually tugs weird on the mannequin. If it doesn’t look good on a mannequin, it will never look good on a person.

You’ll also notice the colors, which leads us to our next trend:

Earthy, muted 70s disaster is back

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Flock, color is gone. Color has been replaced with alt-color. It’s not red, it’s ruhd. It’s not green, it’s gruhn. Literally every color has an “uh” feel to it. Interestingly, these are all 1970s colors. The bell sleeves and denim is also swinging into 1970s territory, which was not exactly an excellent decade for fashion.

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THAT STRIPE. LOOK AT THAT STRIPE.
We are in the 70s again. We are absolutely in the 70s again, which is weird because…

The 80s cut reigns supreme

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High cut Tees. Bomber jackets. Bralettes. The 1980s is back, flock.

What makes this so weird is the combination of 1980s styles sitting next to 1970s styles in the same store. They’re even doing a bit of palette swapping, which is a disaster. An 80s cut with 70s colors? Make it stop! Of course, this leads us to what’s really happening:

Nobody knows what they’re doing

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Look at this blue and black. It’s sharp, it’s distinct, and it the most actually color you will see from any store currently open. The cut is dull, but the material is moving back to what we expect in fashion.

 

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This is absolutely…okay. The colors are a little better than last season, but the incredibly narrow cut and not-so-flattering material is rearing its head.

 

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Apparently plus-sized clothing is following the “hey this fits” design plan. The horrible 70s browns distort the classic black, and I don’t even want to dismantle what’s going on in the grunge-apocalypse mess in the middle (and I love military chic). The “gruhn” (it’s not green) top is actually decently cut, so I’ll give them that.

 

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Nintendo 64 on a cropped hoodie? Okay. I’m not even going to challenge it. This stuff has existed forever: it’s not high fashion, and it’s not meant to be.

 

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Stripes! Very thin people wearing very thin stripes! It feels a bit too olde-timey bathing suit to me, but I do enjoy black and white minimalism.

 

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There’s a bit too much going on nowadays with accessories. There was always a rule of avoiding overdoing it, but that’s going out the window. Velvet, floral printed shoes. Do they look nice? Eh. Are they loud? Yeah. Are the practical? No, but fashion never is.

 

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This kind of thing irritates me. I will never understand the haute graphic tee. I remember seeing “Have Rad Vibes” on one of those Wal-Mart shirts in the teen boys department. Giving it a Blackletter font, some roses, and throwing it on a colored crop does not make it cool. It’s still a goofy graphic tee. I don’t get it. I DON’T GET IT.

 

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Oh good, rompers are still in. They’re totally practical, and look good on everyone. Right? Right, flock? It’s totally not a horrible trend that should’ve been left in 2017.

 

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I saved this look for last, because I had to. I already have an aversion to floral prints, and what I call “pastel vomit”. Well, apparently the new thing is cacti. You have a cactus? You have cacti? well put it on a cropped sweat. Off-shade cacti on an off-shade shirt. This hurts me. Every time someone buys this, I die a teeny-tiny bit inside. If you think this looks good: you are going to hate photos of yourself in two years.

 

So flock, what do you think of the current fashion trends? Good? Bad? Horrible? Leave a comment below.

 

-Sheepie ❤

 

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