Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets was hyped fairly hard. It’s a Luc Besson film based on a beloved French comic book, and had everything set up to be a showstopper.

What we got was a confusing pile of nonsense.

I wanted to like this movie. I desperately wanted to like this movie. It looked so cool in the trailer, and everything should’ve worked out fine.

I went to go see it on half-price day at Regal (which I didn’t realize was a thing until I bought the ticket), and boy am I glad I didn’t pay full price for this bomb.

I’m not going to spoil the film: that’s wrong. You need to experience this suckfest for yourself.

The plot…exists? I mean there is a plot, but there’s so much exposition about the worlds that you occasionally lose track. Valerian (played by Dane DeHaan) comes off as a guy pretending to be the “cool guy”. Laureline (played by Cara Delavingne) is slightly better cast, although the romancy bits destroy any real quality in the acting.

There’s a lot of weird cameos, particularly in an uncomfortable scene involving Bubbles (played for all of ten minutes by Rihanna). Ethan Hawke’s in that scene too, for reasons nobody can fathom.

Somebody needed to pull Luc Besson back from the brink on this film. Unfortunately, I’ve come to understand that this was entirely Luc Besson made, so you know who to blame.

Is it worth seeing? No. Not even for a “campy B-movie” audience. Everyone is comparing this film to Jupiter Ascending, and it really is.

I’m sorry, Valerian: you failed your mission.